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April 1st, 2022

Defining Factors

Guilt.

During grief, a common emotion to have is a feeling of guilt.

That is just it though, it’s a feeling.

More often than not our brain is wired to find a solution, or a reason behind why something happened the way it did. Not always do we have the answers, or are there any to find. Life is sometimes unpredictable, especially when a loved one passes away unexpectedly. The more out of order- the more we are apt to not understand it.

As individuals we are our own worst critic. So of course it’s only normal to take the feeling guilt, and let it define you (noun). 

Many of us grieving go through this downward spiral by thinking the outcome of our loss could have been different if we had done something; (i.e. called them more, said something different, not went to work that day, woken up sooner, ate something different, or moved their doctor appointment up, the possibilities are endless.) The end of this spiral is almost always the same- the feeling of guilt and anxiety.

This ‘woulda-coulda-shoulda’ mentality also can reflect when we wish we had said more things to our loved one, held them longer, and suffocates us with feelings of ‘unfinished’ business. All of our days are numbered here on earth. No, this is not always God’s plan- but yes he will turn all things for the good; if you let him.

Psalms 145:15-16 “The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.”

I am personally not strong enough to handle this alone. I need to lay my feelings of helplessness, guilt, worry, and anxiety in the Lord’s hands from time to time, because HE will see me through.

Psalms 145:14 “The Lord upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.”

When grieving, there is an unspoken rule that those grieving should be constantly sad, depressed, and un-functional. Then on the other hand, you get the remarks of; “You’re not back to work yet?”, “You are so strong, I could never do that.”, or “It’s time to move on.” Though most people saying these things to you are coming from a place of love, they are not helpful and highly contradicting.

You are the determining factor for what you need to do, nobody else can decide for you; and nobody else gets to tell you how you feel is wrong, because they do not know! And even if they have also lost a loved one, all of us grieve differently.

Nobody grieves the same. However grief can coincide with happiness.

I went on a vacation recently. I really enjoyed time with my family, while also thinking about my son and my father constantly; wishing I was able to have the chance to take a vacation with them again as well, (both shaking their booty’s)!

And even writing this, I am in tears thinking about those moments I will no longer get, because the immense hole in my heart will always be open; until I see them again.

The enemy wants us to focus on the now; and not have us pursing the ‘later’. He wants us to focus on our feelings of guilt, anxiety, and ‘woulda-coulda-shoulda’s’, and let them define us!

Here is the thing.

We are not alone! I have hope, and I have faith, that I will see them again. And for that reason, I can keep going.

Jeremiah 29:11 ““For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.””

Go on that vacation, laugh with your family, get out of the house- while also giving yourself a minute to cry if you need it, to scream if it feels better, and when you need something stronger- pray!

March 11th, 2022

Shift the Focus of the Mind

I want to take a moment to talk about anxiety/depression, which is felt by so many. I have talked about grief in the past and noted that it’s not a timeline of feelings, but a new way of life that has many different feelings all ‘mumbo jumbled’. This new way of life can also coexist with happiness, you just have to change your focus to get there. (Also noting for some, medications are needed to fight the low lows, but overall this can help)

Do I feel sad and depressed? Yes. Do I also feel joy and happiness? Yes! I owe it to my faith and family consistently showing me how beautiful my life still is, with the caveat on how amazing my eternal life WILL be.

Aside from faith, our mind actually controls our feelings.

In Hal Elrod’s podcast, he discussed a way to take your anxiety/depression head on.

You make two separate lists. 1) A piece of paper with all your negative feelings (I’m sad because my loved one passed, I am angry with my job situation, I am financially stressed, I don’t like the way my skin is acting, etc. , then on list 2) A separate piece of paper that lists all the positive things going on in your life (I have a job that pays my bills, I have a roof over my head, my family is happy, I’m excited for a trip, I love that it’s becoming lighter outside longer).

Which list do you currently spend more time focusing on? If you stated you are feeling anxious/depressed, it’s likely list #1. Time to shift your focus- if you can control your thoughts and emotions and shift your focus to list #2- you can control your feelings. If you focus on the laughter of your kids or people around you, in the present moment, you are not focused on your sadness. If you can focus that you are fortunate enough to have a job you love, you are not as focused on the financial aspect. Do we still need to focus on list 1? Yes, we do. Not in the times of a panic attack, not in the times of ‘rock-bottom’ when we feel like there is no way up, but in the times that we are focused on the good things, we make more logical decisions for movement in a positive direction.

Putting it to the test: in one of my Facebook groups I joined, a mother stated she wasn’t sure what she wanted to give up for lent. Well her dishwasher broke. Her husband said he would buy a new one, and she declined; stating it would give her time set aside to pray (props to her, I would want the damn dishwasher). This is the outlook many wish to have, to just be accepting of the frustration, hardships, and sadness, and have hope for the triumphs. Something this little is a simple way to shape your mind into shifting its focus. Maybe next time when it’s a more severe situation, such as losing your job, or loved one, you can have the resilience to take the broken pieces, and putting them together to make something beautiful. Hope and determination will always be on your side.

December 22nd, 2021

Breaking Point

Last night, I felt like I reached my official ‘breaking point’.

Holidays are hard in general. You spend so much time pleasing everyone else, that you lack self-care.

There have been weeks of hardships from lacking in self-care, in the beginning stages of our grief, that resurfaced after Ezekial. One of them was not brushing my hair. I felt absolutely no energy to do that. I would shower and throw it up. So often that when I did decide to brush it, it would take me over an hour to get the knot out, and many tears from physically pulling the hair from my scalp. At one point, I considered pulling a Brittney 2007.

This year; for obvious reasons, our holidays are overwhelmed with the normal chaos, but flooded over with grief as well. I find myself getting angry quicker, crying much longer, and shutting down almost every day. Crafts to be made, cookies to bake, presents to buy, an elf to hide, and the list is never ending. All while working, all while functioning, and all while grieving. In a way its bittersweet- in a way my mind is so busy thinking about what I have to do next, that I forget how depressed I am, then the next minute I remember and feel bad for forgetting for a moment. Some people say, “Don’t do all that, take care of yourself”. We do what we can for our kids, and just because we aren’t in the right mindset, doesn’t mean they should suffer more too. Our kids are going through their own grief this holiday season.

Mason asked to hang Gunner’s stocking up, and it ended up being a nice way to put all his Christmas cards together (Angel Baby Christmas Cards, that we can make a book out of). However, he keeps asking to wrap him gifts, and I have to gently remind him he will not be with us to open them. This gentle reminder is triggering for any mother, but also a brother.

Mom guilt. It’s a real thing. Mothers are required to do so much, yet for us, we can never do enough. This feeling definitely doesn’t go away when you have a child in heaven. I want to enjoy these holidays, for Jesus, for my kids, yet I feel a sense of guilt with laughter or my own enjoyment, because I am sad.

I am also so blessed. I talk about this a lot. We are blessed with two amazing, beautiful, healthy children. Why should I be depressed? How do you have a house with two beautiful kids; and still feel like it’s completely empty. I physically and emotionally feel empty. I am 2:5 for losses, and 1 is not even my blood. I feel like a failure, a complete letdown to my significant other, and to my children. It is hard to sleep, it’s hard to eat, and all I want are my kids to be loved and happy. All of my kids. I want more. I want my sweet Gunner here to open his presents under the tree, it would have been his first Christmas actually partaking in the day of events. He would’ve loved to play with the boxes, and wrapping paper. I want my baby Zeke. I want to feel him kick again, I wanted to be excited to find out he was a boy in the ultrasound room with daddy, not after I birthed him without a heartbeat. Everything seems so wrong. Is this all we deserve? I am angry because I don’t understand, and I know it’s not my job to, but it’s a hard pill to swallow. The mom guilt comes in the biggest wave when I feel ungrateful, unblessed, and defeated.

I have learned that it’s ok to both wallow in our sadness, and feelings of emptiness, at the same time as being happy with what we do have. It doesn’t have to be one way or the other.

I find myself arguing with Kyle more, because I just don’t have the patience. I am wore thin. Any patience I do have has already be spent.

Kyle deserves all of that happiness just as much as me. He deserves his little boy(s) to grow up and go hunting with him, like the camo overalls we gifted Gun Gun last year, say “Daddy’s hunting buddy”. Gunner would have fit in them this year. He deserves to be excited and find out on the screen that our baby was a baby boy picked by his big brother in heaven. We all deserve all the chaotic love that is shared amongst us during the holidays- not the chaotic grief that becomes unhealthy. I start to feel like he deserves more than me too. I fight with him to let out my anger, but I don’t want to hurt him. Him not understanding comes off as not being supportive- but know the difference between the two (I am constantly learning).

I focus on how nobody can feel like I do as their mother, yet also I have to remember nobody can feel it like he does either; like a father. Which is why we need to work through this together.

Anyone who reaches this point, has a choice on what to do next. I went to sleep.

December 10th, 2021

First Heavenly Birthday

Thank you to everyone who came out last night to celebrate Gun Guns 1st heavenly birthday 💙 The amount of love and support is tremendous. There were so many Random Acts of Kindness done in his honor it was truly beautiful.

Not the birthday I would ever imagine to have, and it was a very hard day for us all. Once you lose a child; you are forever changed, and will never be the person you were before. All we can do is still mother/father him still here on earth. We can take this forced change and make it beautiful, to honor him. Just as he is being held by Jesus; so are we. 💙

This is what I wrote for his Birthday:

Tears in Heaven

I usually have words upon words to express myself; and writing them comes easy. It’s much different to speak them, even when we come here as a family I can’t get through many before crying.

All week I’ve been checking the weather for today and thinking to myself, why the fuck…

The only thing I came up with was tears.

Are there tears in heaven? From the ones way up above?

We were told “Jesus wept” ; and he does that out of Love.

I don’t think you are crying, only giggles, and baby farts.

Even though we are looking up, so sad that we’re apart.

I feel like up there you are happy, never crying, never sad.

But down here we are missing you, sometimes coasting; sometimes mad.

Are there tears in heaven? Only time will tell.

What I do know now is there’s never ending love, we feel that very well.

This love we share will never break or stop.

We feel it each and every day, even in these rain drops.

Doesn’t matter if you are here or there,

Your sunshine radiates upon us everywhere.

Isaiah 55:10

“As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,”

Prayer: Dear God, In the Bible Rain is referred to as a blessing after a drought, a symbol of God's love and teachings. Please remind us all of the blessings we have, even during the storm.

Gunner is and will always be our blessing, Happy Birthday my sweet boy we miss you so so much and hope you are eating you birthday cake ice cream on Jesus lap💙

December 6th, 2021

Ezekial Andrew Gresk

Born In Jesus’ Arms 12/05/21

I feel I wanted to share this; to fulfill HIS blessing.

For the many that don’t know; Kyle and I found out we were expecting. After the loss of our sweet Gunner, and many mixed emotions, we welcomed this new life as a blessing. A little bit of calm in this storm. This baby was to be born 2 weeks prior to Gunners “Angelversary”, and that would put me to have baby on Mother’s Day.

We were almost 5 months along, about to find out the gender. This past Friday, I had an ultrasound show me baby laying there with no heartbeat; we rechecked with high risk, and had the same thing stated. I was told since I am too far along, I would need to be induced tomorrow (Saturday), and have the baby naturally (also of which I have only had 2 C-sections).

Kyle and I went to the same hospital we were at almost a year ago (as of this Friday) to welcome sweet Gunner, knowing this time we were not leaving with a baby. It was hard for both of us to say the least. What can you honestly do though, there is no choice. People say we are strong; but ANYONE having these circumstances would have to push through as well, there is no choice.

The clergy came in and prayed with us and blessed this baby. We selected a burial site.

I asked for one last ultrasound, Kyle and I were praying for a miracle, but that was not in our cards. The baby was measuring a week early.

At 7:30am I had taken the medication to induce labor, which started contractions immediately, and then chose to get an epidural (as suggested by my doctor) since it was traumatic enough to have this baby and know I wouldn’t hear baby cry. Epidural wore off halfway and I could practically stand, but I figured; fuck it; what else could go wrong honestly. At 9:32 pm our beautiful baby boy was born, Ezekiel (Zeke) Andrew Gresk at 6” and not even 1lb. Ezekial means “God’s Strength”, which is the only thing that pulled us through. To be honest I would have been accepting to just be with Gunner and be done here, but there is comfort knowing now Gun Gun has a little brother now playing with him. And I know it’s not my time, and we have been blessed in so many ways, with Dakota, with Mason, and with each other.

Ezekial was born with a chord accident that happens to 1:3000, a “true knot” wrapped around his little ankle; which presumed to be his cause of death.

I chose to hold our sweet boy and he even though so tiny, is perfect.

We are thankful for the love and support from all our family and friends, which has been ongoing this entire fucked up year.

This morning before being released I watched mass/ministry on the tv; and this is where I can make Zeke a blessing.

The entire sermon was on “blessings”. In the Old Testament; fathers would bless their oldest sons with a blessing prior to death. It was supposed to bring them “happiness, make them prosperous, and fortunate”. The story of Isaac who was tricked by his younger son Jacob, to receive his blessing instead of Esau. (Did not go well for him). I won’t get into it other than we know these blessings come from our father, Jesus Christ. He can’t be deceived, he can’t be tricked, and as long as we have our faith; we are blessed.

Gods blessing will cause us to defeat giants, overcome obstacles, doors will open, and is a hand of protection over us. I know many are reading and saying this is anything but.

But let me tell YOU.

Blessing is an empowerment for us to live through the day, with a spring in our step and being joyful no matter the obstacle. Blessing is that we will, and WE CAN, override every negative force.

We can go through the same drought, same seed, same environment, but still being joyous, optimistic, and happy. I am blessed. We are blessed.

The enemy would love to limit us, to make us feel like we can’t go on, and I feel this, I feel depressed, I feel defeated, but there is something in me, in us, that is pushing us forward to be thankful of everything we have, and will have. No matter what; nothing can take away the blessing God has given us. We will defy the odds.

Not as fate but as fact; we are blessed.

Lamentations 3:21-24 (Shared by a friend this morning ❤️)

September 19th, 2021

Child Like Faith

Well today was the kiddos first day of Faith Formation (or so I thought!). They did well at mass, and looked through their books they love with lots of snacks. Dakota wrote her question (wise for her age) and Masons statement lol

Reflecting on all of this; and our “paved” ways, thanks to Gunner. A child like faith is what I hope to have, it’s important to question (like Kota girl is so eager to learn), wonder, and know (like Mason knows how God is powerful).

Our biggest blessing Gun Gun. We visited his grave afterwards and the kids wanted to play him Baba Black Sheep, and of course we sang his song. We prayed together and Mason said “Jesus please make Gunner happy”, it’s a blessing to know that he is happy, and always with us.

September 3rd, 2021

First Day Back

This has been my second day back to work on site at the hospital. This picture was a note Kyle wrote me for my first day back after maternity leave with Gun Gun, that was sitting on a Red Bull and a “mama” dew in my car. Now I come back after time off for the hardest months of my life.

Yes I have pictures, my pumping schedule and supplies, a calendar with his doctor visits and other events, and many things all over that made me cry. Sitting in my chair where I’d get many calls from CARES daycare that my little boy was crying or inconsolable was probably the hardest memory of all, I just wish I could go pick him up because all he needed was Mommy, and I can picture his chubby smiling face when he saw me and his siblings.

I checked the phone and there was a voicemail in regards to a “Gunner”. It was for my coworkers patient, not mine. My heart dropped when I heard that name spoken, and I can’t help but believe my little boy was saying “Hi mommy”, I’m with you on this hard day, and every day. ❤️

August 19th, 2021

Walking To Honor Him

Thank you to everyone that helped us honoring Gun Gun by getting a shirt with his name. ❤️ Also thank you to everyone coming on Bo’s memorial walk with us, it truly amazes us how many support our family.

We know this walk will be difficult, for both bereaved parents AND the family/friends walking along with us.

Nobody should have to do this, but we are greatful for all of you. For Kyle and I, it brings some comfort that we can honor him and make this about him 110%. For Dakota and Mason, this lets them grieve in a healthy way for their baby brother and also realize there are other kids that have lost a sibling. And for everyone else, I hope it brings awareness to many things; you NEVER know what someone else is going through, life is NOT guaranteed here on earth for any length of time, FAMILY and time spent together is important, and God blessed us with you, all of our family and friends. It takes a village to raise a child, well it certainly takes one to support losing one.

A little backstory on our shirts. (Kotas and Masons are pictured) the front has his actual footprints on it, turned into an SVG- over our heart- where he will always be. Tonight Mason was asking who will be at the walk and when I was telling him a list he goes “and Gunner!” in which I replied- he definitely will be there in our hearts and watching over us. Mason said he can’t wait to kiss him. I gently reminded him we can always blow kisses to him but he’s in our hearts. 💔❤️

The back of the shirts has a dump truck. When I was pregnant with Mason my Uncle gifted him one, and once we had Gunner he gifted Gunner one. Gunners is still in his room- unopened. He also put a small one on Gunners grave. My grandma said it was so every little boy gone too soon, would have a toy to play with. When I reached out and thanked him, he explained that truck is symbolic- “Gunner is re-paving our roads back to God”. This really meant the world to me and my family.

It’s hard to think that anything could come out of this could be a “blessing”, however if this was how it was supposed to go- Gunner has been the biggest blessing to my family, and I hope to many. ❤️ Matthew 18:14

August 11th, 2021

Growing in Grief

The kiddos and us went to drop off the pot we made for Gun Gun on Sunday, as it was supposed to be our wedding weekend, that we wanted to celebrate as a family. Of course when we were leaving our van broke down right in the cemetery. (We towed it to Great Grandmas and Kyle will fix it), nothing shocks me anymore.

You come to find out that nothing in the world matters more than faith and family. ❤️ It hurts to read 2021 is better than 2020 for most, for us 2020 was the best year yet. It was a very rough weekend for us, we did try and focus on Dakota and Mason and make sure they had fun. In our Family Adventure Challenge book- we did a cooked/raw egg gamble smashing our heads/knees with them, a vegetable and fruit scavenger hunt, veggie batting practice, a pitcher of water/pillow fight, and made our own ice cream.

God said in Isaiah 41:13, “I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” ... When God said he will hold you up with His righteous right hand, he meant his excellent hand. Not that one is weaker than the other, but that his hand is good. It never does evil.

July 31, 2021

Circles Never End

Excuse my chubby fingers but Gunners breastmilk ring turned out perfect. It took me 5 days to complete- and every minute was worth the wait. They say to put your wedding band closest to your heart- I will wear this in honor of my son, with my band on the other side after our wedding.

Today we took Mason to visit him for the first time.

He got on his knees and said “Dear God, please help Gunner go on the big boy potty, I miss him”. I told him he is in heaven, where he will be able to do anything and everything, he is crawling around up there causing some chaos- I just know it. ❤️ we miss you Gun Gun- every second of every day.

July 7th, 2021

My Birthday

Thank you everyone for birthday wishes. I didn’t know how I’d feel waking up yesterday, but it was like this: Try and think about celebrating your many years while you lost your baby who doesn’t get those years. Like a dagger went in my heart every time I was celebrated, when Gunner should be. So sorry if my responses were limited. We went to our first therapy session and it was okay.

Kyle and I are working through this together.

Kyle played softball and a guy on the other team knocked him speechless by stating he heard what happened and asked his name so his family could pray for us. There we are; blessed again. There is strength in numbers when it comes to prayer, comes to faith.

Wrapping up the day Dakota and Mason, like always surprised me in their eagerness to read about Jesus and we read the story about the walls of Jericho- how there was so much faith and trust in God they only marched around them and blew their trumpets and the walls came tumbling down after many days. Just like that we need to humble ourselves in prayer, and let our own guarded walls down, for our comfort is through Christ. We are Blessed by everyone praying.

Our family and friends are the best supporters. Our family planted Gunner an apple tree at Grandma and Grandpas farm. It’s beautiful.